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You’re Irreplaceable

August 11, 2011

A whole year has passed and her memories are still deeply etched in my mind. It was just another day in college, the same regular discussions, running around for notes and getting bored during the tuts.

College had just begun but TJ’s sudden hospitalization and the ever moody weather was troubling. TJ was crippled with dengue and seeing her unconscious in the ICU was very troubling yet we were more than hopeful, we were certain, that she would get out of it. We all believed that the gang ‘VAAT’ would embark on another year of fun, humour, adventure, masti and what not.

It seems that destiny had other plans. Sitting in the tut room I got a sms that TJ  had had a successful operation and was going to be just fine. Happily and hurriedly I told everyone and all of us cheered. As soon as the class got over I rushed to meet up with my friends in the other class. I was shocked to see everyone crying. I just couldn’t imagine what could have happened. Slowly Manira walked up to me and with immense difficulty showed me her mobile. It said ‘TJ is no more’.

I smiled cause I thought it was some stupid joke. Then I looked around, everyone was in tears and I realized that it wasn’t a joke. I still remember that for good five minutes I didn’t react. I just stood there, blank. And then slowly the reality dawned upon me that TJ was no more. Arushi hugged me and clung on to me. And then tears started to trickle, soon I was blinded by them.

I had lost more that just a great friend, I had lost a sweet-caring girl who inspired me and whom I treated as a sister. I confided in her, I looked up to her for advice, I engaged with her in numerous discussions.

The next I remember is that I was crying, howling to be more apt. VAAT now only VAA rushed to the hospital to be there for her family, to be there for her, to be there for ourselves. While we sat sometimes crying sometimes stunned her maasi walked up to me, looked at my earrings and said “I made her wear the same ones, she’s wearing the same ones”.

Time just buzzed past and I found myself standing in the treacherous rain along with my classmates. The rain had me soaked but that day I didn’t need the rain to soak me, my tears were more than enough. I stood in front of her flowers in my hand, blinded by tears, shivering.

The sight of her so lifeless scared me. TJ had always been brimming with energy, positive energy. She would walk in late, peep in and smile. The smile could make you melt like butter on pancakes. No one could resist it and we all fell prey to it.

I remember spending the night crying, sobbing, miffing, howling. At times, time would fly like a jet and sometimes just come to sudden halt. It would make me feel dizzy, disoriented and depressed.

I miss that smile, I miss the energy, the passion, the conviction that she had. She was unique, magical and amazing. So sweet that she could induce diabetes, so firm that not even the strongest tides could move her. So compassionate that you  knew you had a shoulder to cry on.

Now a year has passed and I know that I shouldn’t cry. I should smile for I got the chance to meet her. I should cherish the memories but then sitting on a bench with our names etched on it like a crossword isn’t easy. It brings back the turmoil within. I reminds me of my loss. It makes my stomach twist and my head spin.

I cannot have her back but I will forever remember her and her values. Every time I see an olive ridely turtle I remember her passion for animals. I remember her concern for everyone and I promise I’ll never forget it.

I know TJ is up there looking down and smiling, wanting us to smile and be happy but somewhere deep inside I know that there is a part of me that died seeing her lifeless.


I Love You

2 Comments leave one →
  1. October 9, 2011 6:26 PM

    I hopped in here from IHM’s blog. Very touching post, especially your last line about the part of you that died seeing her lifeless. Heartwrenching. As I always am after I read a post by any of Tejaswee’s well wishers/friends; I am speechless. Even by just reading about her, I cannot resist the pull of her personality; I wonder how it would have been to meet her and know her personally.

    Hugs to you !!

    • October 10, 2011 5:06 AM

      Thanks Urmila!!
      She had this magnetic personality and no one could ever escape.

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